Atonement
by mikky546
Summary: I suppose this is my punishment, my atonement; I left her, and she left me in return, leaving me as nothing but a ghost, but a fading wisp... Edward's POV of New Moon.. first chapter is a glimpse really, reviews appreciated.


Never before had someone suffered like this for love, I was sure of that. Or anything, really. It wasn't possible. Every part of my body ached; my chest burned far worse than the pain of transformation. In fact, I would take that any day in exchange. Take it for thousands of years and be grateful, if only to escape this blistering emptiness. I was hollow- nothing. It was as if I had left my very being behind; which was, actually, the case. Nothing remained. Nothing but an empty shell. I couldn't go on much longer. I remembered back, to every memory I had, knowing I would pay later. The night I left…….

_The very tenor of the woods seemed to be laughing at me; I could see where I was headed. The sky was a dark, depressing gray, the woods an ominous shade of green. Her hand was warm and soft in mine, her lovely features betraying nothing but concern-my face must have been something to see. I carefully arranged it into a mask, hoping against hope she wouldn't see this pain. I guided her a few feet from the trail and leaned against a tree. Now for the act- could I pull this off? I took a deep breath….. _

_"Bella… we're leaving" She merely nodded, as if this was acceptable. What was she thinking now? She took a deep breath…._

_ "Why now? A few years-"Ah, she thought I meant the two of us. If only that was so…… "Bella," I murmured, and just her name hurt me, "how much longer could we stay? Carlisle is pushing thirty-three, and he can barely claim thirty. We'd have to start over soon, regardless." _

_Bella looked bewildered, that expression that had been in my thoughts since the moment I met her….. __"When you said _we're_, you meant….' _

_"My family and myself" Not that I would be staying with my family- I didn't think I would stand being around them, all happy and with their loves. I watched as the realization touched her face. She shook her head as if to clear it. _

_"I'll come with you". That would render this painful farewell redundant _

_"You can't .Where I'm going- it's not the right place for you". _

_"Where you are is the right place for me." She whispered. As usual, she had that backwards. I took a deep breath, staring at the ground. She was forcing me to tell the biggest falsehood I had ever spoken, one that would break us both…. I arranged my face into stone and retreated inside myself. I looked up, staring through her rather than into her face._

_ "I don't want you to come with me," I whispered. The words sounded ridiculous. Would she laugh? I half-hoped for that, so I could stay. Would she see my lie for what it was, an attempt at keeping her safe? Surely she would. Bella was always so perceptive...._

_ Then she spoke. _

_"You….don't….want…me?" I could barely speak to answer her. _

_"No." _

_She didn't answer. Her expression was blank, but her eyes….. I forced another breath and looked away, into the endless green. Was this my only choice? Could I possibly stay, protect her while with her?_

_I knew the answer to that, but watching her pain….. the silence grew unbearable within minutes. When she spoke, her voice was shaky. "Well….that changes things." I merely nodded, to stunned to articulate anything intelligible. All this time, the best time of my existence, as it were, I'd been telling her I loved her, all those late nights in my arms, mornings on my chest….. and yet she believed me immediately. A pain much worse than before began to burst before me, threatened to swallow me. She spoke again. _

_"If that's what you want." I wanted to comfort her, to reassure her, that all I wanted was to be near her… actually, screaming didn't seem like a bad option either. Rather than give myself away with either of these things, I merely nodded. Once more, I ached to be human, to hold her in my arms and never let go, never leaving her side. Keeping her safe…which reminded me..._

**_dun dun dun? This is my very first attempt....and I can already tell I'm off to a poor start. If anyone would like to drop me a review telling me if I should give up or not, please, do. Criticism is my best friend, by the way. Just no flames please- There's enough negativity in this world, man :) This has been dancin the conga in my head for a while- it lacks Edward's unusually verbose thoughts, yes, but if anyone is interested in my continuing, I think I could flesh it out... So, please review! Even if only to request my approval of you printing it out, replacing the toilet paper with its remains (after throwing darts at it) and then proceeding to burn it whilst dancing around a campfire. Peace and love :)_**


End file.
